…Smashie's
by joebthegreat
Summary: Fast food! There's not much left to explain. I'm going to do my best to cut to the humor and not bore you with unimportant crap. Unfortunately, I'm still Joeb, so you're bound to get pissed off about something while reading this.
1. Application

Fast Food 

By joebthegreat (also known as the "king of toast" in some smaller African countries)

Disclaimer: Your eyes will melt and your eye sockets will freeze in this thrilling thrill of a thriller, and it's not my fault, it's because you're holding a superheated iron up to your eye while you're stuck in a freezer. You're such a moron, how can you even blame that kind of shit on me?

Joebclaimer: I claim Joebanship

Summary: Hilarious things happen, with hilarious results! Follow this hilarious story to learn the hilarious secret when these hilarious people come together for a result that's bound to be HILARIOUS! Hilarity ensues, and I sue too.

* * *

It's hard growing up on the streets of East LA, being a hardcore black gangster in the hood, and struggling every day to survive. I'm Ness, and I've learned to use my blackness against me. 

Marth looked over the application, and he looked it over again. Marth thought to himself for a moment, then he looked it over again. Marth looked down and frowned, then he looked it over again. Marth called his mom and told her happy birthday; after his mom reminded him that she was dead Marth looked the application over again. Marth went to a Catholic church and recited Ness's application as a prayer, and when the bishop fell over with a heart attack, he took it as a sign. After reviewing Ness's application for several more times and frowning and stroking his chin at appropriate moments, Marth decided that Ness probably handed him the application because he wanted a job.

"Hey boss! It's getting busy out here, we could use your help!" Dr. Mario screamed, as the dining room up front had been packed to the point where the pressure had in fact killed several customers, squeezing their heads till they popped like balloons. Despite this, customers continued to pump into the dining room.

"I'm busy trying to fill our last position!" Marth screamed. "This is important!"

Ten hours later, after reviewing the application hundreds more times, going to a baseball game, surfing, and eating a homeless person, Marth came to a conclusion.

"I'm going to interview Ness! We could use some more black people anyway!" Marth screamed.

Everybody had left for the night.

Marth decided to call Ness and set up an appointment, after reviewing the application, of course. He picked up the phone, and then brought it to the side of his face, with the talking part towards his mouth and the listening part towards his ear. He moved his hands towards the buttons on the phone, and pressed them in the sequence that would be correct if dialing Ness's house. As Ness had put that he lived on the streets, Marth dialed the streets.

"Hello?" some random bum answered.

"Yes, I'm looking for a Ness Pwurngkzahea;kgjaer?" Marth pronounced with no difficulty.

"Jus' a sec" there were some crunching noises, and some static noises, and some noisy noises, and the noises used noise to deliver proper noise to the noiseee (aka person who hears noise).

"This is Ness" Ness said.

"This is Marth, I've just been reviewing your application to work here at _Smashie's ©®™_, and I'd like to set up an appointment with you right now!" Marth screamed.

"Are you aware it's 4 in the morning?" Ness asked.

"I'll be asking the questions around here you little bastard of a bastard!" Marth screamed, slamming the phone so hard he broke the elevator. "Aw why the hell do we even have an elevator anyway?"

Ness walked in through the back door.

"How did you get here?" Marth asked.

"You forgot to lock the doors," Ness said.

"That's a clever way to break in, you're hired for your cleverness!" Marth shouted, secretly concealing that he only hired Ness because he was black.

"I'm very black you know," Ness said.

"Yes, how very black of you," Marth replied.

"It's always good to hear that from a Korean" Ness said. It was an honest mistake, seeing as how they were in East LA, and Koreans own everything there. Even when the President shows up he gets owned by the Koreans.

Marth kicked Ness in the knee so hard he had a cardiac arrest, liver failure, and cancer in the knee's eyeballs. Ness passed out.

After pacing around for a second, Marth pulled out a uniform, pulled out some faked documents under the name "Keith," and pulled out a job description. He set it all down on Ness's huge head.

"You'll start work tomorrow at five pm, if you don't show up you'll be raped by several rival gangsters. If you don't have rival gangsters, you will by tomorrow. I have the right to throw you in a federal prison without any warning and for no reason, because I'm a private business and anything with the word private in front of it is given rights to whatever the hell it wants. We like to have fun back here at _Smashie's ©®™_, and we hope you enjoy your stay. Please do not steal any towels, as that would make you a loser. Do not feed the animals, pet the customers, feed the customers, pet the animals, or try to set the customers up on dates with animals, you are responsible for any injury or death that occurs while working at this store, and you will notice that I am speaking about any injury or death across the entire world, not just your own. You are officially the United States' of America's scapegoat. If at any time you do not act like a proper goat, and refuse to be milked at a proper time, you will be held accountable for the rising prices of oil. I have several thousand other rules to read you, but I don't feel like it so you're just going to have to guess and hope you don't get in any legal trouble. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Make sure to keep your hands in the cart at all times, as second hand smoking has been proven to kill children ages zero to twenty thousand." Marth finished his long federally required statement, turned to walk out the door, and suddenly whipped around to face Ness again. "Don't forget to wear a coat," he said with as much drama and power as he could muster.

Marth went home and fell asleep, happy to have put in a hard days work.

* * *

I feel like creating a series I can relate to, seeing as how I'm as black as Ness, and how I had a cardiac arrest my first day at work… 

These won't be based on real life experiences…

Or will they?

No…

I'm also apparently obliged to inform you that _Smashie's©®™_ is not a copyright of mine, or a trademark of mine, or whatever the hell the ® stands for of mine. I don't have any rights to that word and I never will, and right now I don't believe anybody does. I only put the ©®™ there because it's fun.

I'm also obliged to inform you to go read _Animal Farm_… just about everybody who reads it thinks it undisputedly proves their own political beliefs, be it communism, socialism, capitalism, fascism, or Wal-Mart.

This was only the first chapter, the introduction, there will be a bit of more of an introduction to the workplace next time, and then we'll get to the juicy stuff, though personally I think Ness is juicy enough as it is.


	2. Orientation

I don't want to put anything here… I just want to write… how odd…

* * *

Ness woke up, dazed. He then stood up, dazed. He walked around the store for a bit, dazed.

Marth walked into the store, dazed. Daisy got pissed off at the overuse of something similar to her name and quit life. She jumped onto a pogo stick and rode into the moonset, because she's a rebel and doesn't like clichés like _sun_sets.

"What the hell?" Ness asked.

"It's five PM. Make that plural and it's PMs. Make that 's' capital and it's PMS. Basically, our store is currently PMSing and we need your help! Also it's time for you to start your first day of work anyway," Marth said. He then turned around, and turned around again towards Ness with as much power as he could muster. "Don't forget to wear a coat."

"I wasn't aware I was supposed to start work at five," Ness said.

"Well whatever, you're here now," Marth said.

Everyone sat around, waiting for a punch line. It didn't come; it was busy going out on a date with appeal to emotion.

"Just great, no jokes OR emotional development this whole chapter? What the hell is that?" Daisy asked.

"Go back to your moonset you sellout bitch!" Marth screamed.

Daisy obeyed his every command… in order from the first command he ever gave her to the one he had just given her. She killed several world leaders, put an end to public education as we knew it, and made him a sandwich. Then she went back to her moonset.

"Please excuse my wife, she's a bit of a bitch" Marth said.

"What was that?" Daisy asked.

"Just joking around honey!" Marth laughed.

"Are we going to cut to the chase here?" Ness asked.

"Right, sorry, let me introduce you to the crew," Marth said, grabbing Ness and dragging him up to the working… area.

Gannondorf, Bowser, Dr. Mario, Mr. Game and Watch, and DK were all busy doing work. Yoshi was busy having a seizure in the middle of the room.

"Alright everybody! This is Ness! Ness, this is everybody!" Marth screamed, making hand motions that indicated that when wearing a condom you shouldn't go out and make public speeches.

Ness took the hint and took his condom off before making his statement.

"As a black person, I've got a gun" Ness said.

Everyone was impressed by the profound nature of his statement.

"Hey! I'm black!" Mr. Game and Watch cried. "I don't have a gun! I'm offended by your reinforcing of negative stereotypes! You're not even black!"

Everyone laughed at Mr. Game and Watch, except Yoshi, who had a seizure.

"Well it's good to meet you Yoshi!" Ness said, shaking Yoshi's tongue.

Yoshi screamed in miserable pain, and in greetings to Ness.

"And you can shut up Mr. Game and Watch, you honkey!" Ness screamed.

Mr. Game and Watch flipped Ness off.

"How does he know your guys' names? You never introduced yourselves individually!" Daisy screamed! "I smell plot holes!"

"Why do I even take my bitch of a wife to work with me?" Marth asked.

"What was that?" Daisy asked.

"I'm just making some harmless jokes! Bitch!" Marth joked.

Marth suddenly turned to Ness.

"I need you to follow me to the back. I've got some introduction shit for you to watch, and then you can actually start working." Marth said, dragging Ness off. He suddenly turned around. "Don't forget to wear a coat"

Ness stood there, looking at Marth, who had turned away from him, and was currently staring at a wall.

"Are you alright?" Ness asked.

Marth grabbed Ness again and led him to the back. There was a computer and a chair. Marth threw Ness to the ground and sat the chair on top of him.

"There are some movies here, watch them!" Marth shouted, and then walked off to do work/sleep/international nuclear warfare.

When Marth walked back ten seconds later (as that's the standard amount of time it takes to conduct international nuclear warfare), Ness was browsing porn. Marth was shocked.

"I can't help it! I'm black!" Ness cried.

"I'm just wondering how the hell you managed to get an Internet connection! That computer isn't set up on any network!" Marth shouted.

"I dunno… it was just there…" Ness said, dazed.

Daisy ran back to where Ness and Marth were sitting, pissed off at the use of a word similar to her name, and noticed that there was porn going on within ten miles of Marth. Somewhere in a Wal-Mart five miles away there was something dirty going on. Daisy didn't realize the stuff on the computer right next to her, but her reaction was the same anyway.

"You bastard!" Daisy cried.

"Seriously, I'm really wondering why the hell I'm married to you right now. There's like, absolutely no reason for me to have any interest in you" Marth said.

"What was that?" Daisy asked.

"Just joking honey!" Marth laughed.

Daisy forgot all about the incident and went back to her moonset.

"So are you all ready for your first day on the job!?" Marth asked.

"I haven't even watched the video yet…" Ness said.

"Aw, who the hell cares!?" Marth shouted, and dragged Ness up to a window. "We're going to have you take money from these customers for the drive through window! You take the money, give them their change, and direct them to the next window. I'm legally required to tell you that if someone threatens you with a gun you should just hand him, or her, your money and not worry too much about it. You should never keep an amount of more than 200 dollars in your register. You have a safe under your register that you will never let the customer know about on penalty of death. You, or I, or anybody cannot open the safe. We've sent in the Mythbusters and they've confirmed that this safe is physically impossible to open, on penalty of death. Your mother also told me to tell you that she loves you. Now get to work"

Marth started to walk away. He suddenly turned around with passion and force and power. "Don't forget to wear a coat."

Ness was dazed. Daisy was too drunk to complain this time. Marth had already passed out from inhaling twice his body weight in cocaine, and a customer pulled up to the window.

"Hi that will be seven dollars and seven hundred cents!" Ness said, sticking his head out the window and holding his hands out. Unfortunately Ness had forgotten to open the window, and his head smashed through. Shards of glass got in his eyes and nose and mouth and genitalia.

The customer didn't notice Ness having broken through a window, bled all over his car, and shouted at the top of his lungs. The customer drove past Ness to the next window.

There was a scream, and DK, followed by the rest of the crew stormed up to Ness, who was busy bleeding to death.

"You bastard! Never let a car pass your window and come to ours! It's all your fault! I hate you I hate you I hate you!!!" DK screamed. The rest of the crew nodded in amazingly angry agreement… anorexia (sorry, I just had to throw another "a"-word in there).

Anyway, as all anger and agitation absolved, all arguers abstained and anybody around ambled away.

"Weird" Ness said.

For the rest of the day Ness sat at the back window, taking money, arguing ardently about… stuff, and getting shot at by potential robbers. All in the day of a typical fast food employee.

Marth meanwhile, had woken up from his cocaine-induced comma, dazed. Daisy slapped him for it.

"Bitch!" Marth joked around jokingly.

Suddenly the store, having been PMSing this whole time, turned to Marth and started screaming, crying, eating, dancing, giggling, crying, asking for directions to the nearest mini-mart, crying, asking for a bottle of water, crying, and smacking Ness in the face with a towel.

Yoshi had a seizure.

* * *

And I guarantee the PARODY part of this story will take full effect in chapter three…

If you're offended by my constant reinforcing of Ness being black… then screw you…

And vote for Barack Obama! I don't care if you're not American, vote for him in your own elections in your own country the next time you get a chance!


End file.
